im tired - mentally tired. i seriously need a break from all this crap!

from knowing my mother can sponsor my brother's fees for SIM, but not my poly. and not even if i wanna go SIM.
to knowing how much i mean to her when she told me i should pay for my life insurance myself.
im sorry i cannot be a good daughter, i have to say things to hurt you. i have to stay out late at night to make you worried. i have to neglect my studies. i have to do things you dont like me to do. but do you know im only going 18 this year? that i have not started work, that im still studying, that i dont have the ability to pay $500plus. do you know that i choose to come home late, because i hate loneliness? the feeling of being all alone in this house, it sucks. do you know that when i come home after a day of staying out, my purpose was not to quarel with you?

from providing inaccurate data at the airport.
to tarnishing my reputation and ruining the impression of my abilities at work.
you never knew what happened that exact day, you were not there to see the exact scene for yourself, you can never dream how BAD the exact situation was. to be sweating in air-con environment, for the sake of work. to be shuffling between the taxi stand to the escalator there just to get the data. it turned out inaccurate, i didnt want it this way, no one wanted it this way. $10 per hour is not worth it, if i had to get my abilities doubted from then on, and never able to restore it again. an additional $1 per hour is not worth it, if i have to redo a set for you. $7 per hour is not worth it, if i had to argue with 3 security guards and stand by the roadside to do the survey. tell me which fucking surveyor at centrepoint would rather stand by the roadside than to sit on the bench. i did all these, just to get the data as accurate as possible, so i wont miss out anything. i was even ready to tell you just deduct $7 from my pay for me to go change pass, because the guards were really making me damn irritated. for the past survey, i minimized my toilet breaks. taking at most 1 toilet break per day, all lesser than 5 minutes except one which i couldnt find the toilet at suntec. i have never before in this survey did so much as to forgo the toilet break or keeping it the shortest as possible. but when you brought up that incident again, i knew i've lost everything. and i'll never get anything back anymore. so i told myself, its time for me to leave once i've earned enough. i rather leave on my own accord, rather than to be kicked out. i've seen enough of your colourful face, im not a kid anymore, im not fascinated by so many amazing colours. i rather look at the rainbow. a mistake made, that can never be forgiven, not even on accord of the fact i've worked 1 year, i've given all my available dates, i've only once backed out last minute due to schoolwork. its not worth it, i dont want to occupy that vacancy left for a perfect surveyor. so much so that even now my mistake has led you to lose the trust of someone that's just close to me, i will leave. i dont want to make things worse, i dont want to drag more people down. a wrong that can never be forgiven, i'll take it. i rather be independent and search for another chance to start anew elsewhere. i've other work experiences, i have been demoralized so much so that all of us felt like crying after work on the first few nights. but i still survived it somehow. but things now, have gotten beyond my control. once, you said you couldnt find anyone that can handle lucky plaza on a sunday. you said the replacement for paragon is also not exactly safe. now, you're not even sure i can handle vivo on a weekday for the morning slot.

from entering DCHE from dpa, which is based on interest and passion.
to losing everything, degrading myself, dropping diploma plus...
i've wanted so much to be a chemical engineer last time. i was able to convince the panel of judges to let me into dche via dpa. but now, i've lost interest. i've got no heart no study. i dont know which direction im heading towards. im studying without an aim, getting a diploma that im not aiming for anymore. even if im able to graduate with the class of dche/ft/1a/21 of ay08/09 sem 2, i guess i wont be truly happy. im just struggling here, trying to get a diploma, in fact just any diploma. i've got no interest or passion for anything anymore.

life had just gotten a step more meaningless.
when everything comes crashing down on you suddenly...
when everything starts falling apart suddenly...



im too tired. i need peace. i need time to cool. i need time to reflect.
what is life really about? what are my goals in life? why am i not happy anymore?